Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Back From Maternity Leave?

I know I've disappeared.  Life, as is always the case, is much busier with an newborn.  Moments I would normally be writing, I find myself staring at her peaceful sleeping face.  She is such a gift, I just want to soak up every moment in time with her.  I know this part will be gone in a blink of an eye and I never want to look back and think I missed something while I was writing.  So, I'm here watching her breathe, listening to her little sounds and holding her sweet, oddly long fingers as she sleeps.  My sweet, sweet baby, the one I was never supposed to have, is occupying every moment.

I'm also dealing with G, who is officially awkward puberty boy.  He is at once, the sweetest big Brother and the most unruly child.  He holds the door, makes sure I have everything I need in her diaper bag and rocks her to sleep.  But then he heads to school has a nasty smart mouth, and fiercely obstinate side.  Even when it's his Father's turn to handle it, when I hear about his behavior my whole day is occupied with him.  I worry for his future.  I worry people won't know the sweet boy I know.  I worry his big beautiful mind will go unnoticed because of his big terrible behavior.  I worry that all of this will emotionally crush him and he will never know his worth in life. There are many days, I am at an absolute loss.  But all I can do is keep trying, keep telling him he is smart, he can be nice, he is worth a lot and do my best to be exactly the Mother he needs.  It's not easy for any of us.   

I have also made my health a priority.  Pregnancy sent my auto-immune disease into hiding.  But just as drinking or doing drugs will give a person a high and then an equally low, low, after pregnancy typically sends people suffering from auto-immune disease into a huge flare.  I am doing my best to prevent a big flare.  The idea terrifies me.  If flaring might have caused my aneurysm (still unsure) and definitely caused my vision problems, what might a huge flare do this time?  So, I started working out six days a week when the baby hit 1 month old. I am nourishing my body, not just eating.  I am far from perfect on the food, but constantly working. 

I've also come to a crossroads of sorts with writing.  I'm not sure what I care to share here anymore.  A while back, I put an emotional distance between me and facebook.  Meaning, I share events, moments in time, updates, but no emotion really. I tried to do that here as well.  But, my writing has never been about making money, niche blogging or anything of the sort.  It's an emotional outpouring and has been since Santa brought me my first diary with a little lock and key and a Unicorn and rainbow on the cover.  If I can't let my emotions out, I feel stifled.  So, my writing is rarely inspired and hardly seems worth the energy here.  I'm not stopping, but I'm only going to write when I a)feel inspired and b) feel comfortable enough to share it.  And for those of you curious about my stalkers...yes they are still here but no they are not the cause of this.  I really don't care what they see, read or what makes them mad or happy or otherwise.  Chris and I sort of shake our heads that they put such importance on me all these years later, but that's the extent of any thoughts that go through my head about them.  I'm just too narcissistic to care that much about them back, I guess. Or maybe I'm just really, really healthy. 

So, I will be around here and there
when I'm feeling inspired
but if I'm not writing, I'm busy loving, worrying about, and enjoying my little family