Knowing the Score

The LSAT (Law School Exam)
is very old fashioned
unlike other standardized tests
it is done via scantron sheet
number two pencil
and under close supervision
no computers
no electronics of any kind
not even a digital watch
that mechanical pencil that always stays sharp?
um no.
It reminded me of a cross between the ceremony of church
and trying to board a flight to the US from Pakistan

Before the LSAT
there were furrowed brows in my house
when I informed Baby G that I was going to Law School
he looked at me
with all the innocence of a 6 year-old
that has a Mom that misses a lot of family dinners
and asked if he was ever going to see me again
I told him more
because I could be home for dinner while in school
and he was happy

Aaron worried too
there is the traditional male/female place Aaron
that worried about not being able to contribute as much as me
the slightly envious Aaron
who wishes he could finish his undergrad degree
which he can
and will
once I am done and working
and the Aaron that fears my moving down a path in life
that we don't share together

I told him heading into the LSAT
that I couldn't face his fears and mine
and that he needed to not worry
or at least not worry out loud
because I was looking for any excuse not to move forward
and how horrible would it be
to be my excuse?
"I didn't go to Law School because Aaron feels threatened."
when under it all
he wants me happy
he wants what is best for me
and what is best for us

The morning of the test
I knew the score
he was still sleeping
but had everything ready for me
coffee pot timer had been set
my study material organized
my bag with number two pencils and other non-contraband set next to my purse
I knew the score
he was 100% behind me
even if he had his fears
he woke briefly to wish me luck
and I was on my way

Due to the desire to keep the LSAT
prim and proper and of certain standards
due to the possibility
that the people that are attracted to law just might be
trying to find a way
to beat the system
the reliance on scantrons rather than computers
means there is a 3 week wait for the score
I had my personal life score that morning
but I would not get my LSAT score for three long
maybe they'll come in early?
weeks

During that three weeks
I went back and forth between the schools I'd selected
My choices were limited because I do not plan on moving for Law School
I have a 7th grader that I will not disrupt unless I absolutely have to
so, essentially I had 6 schools from which to choose
knowing I do not plan on moving after I finish
one school, The University of Michigan Law School
didn't seem to make sense
it is geared to young guns that want to practice law in large firms
in NYC, DC, or something of that nature
they want to work 80 hours a week
make ungodly money that they will never spend until they make partner and...
well
that's not me really
I am old enough to know that while a part of life is having big dreams and big goals
another part of life is enjoying the scenery while you get there
I have no problem working long hours
but I will not lose myself in work and forget about the rest of my life
which big law firm lawyers sort of have to do
so, U of M looked less and less like an option to me
while it is the best around
I don't really want what it offers

So I compared prices
starting salary
job placement rates
all the things a person is supposed to compare
and I've narrowed my options down to three
but really?
one
I know where I want to go
but for now I will apply to three
and when my rejection/acceptance letters come in
I will let you know

How did I do on the LSAT by the way?
Good enough to get into any of the 6 schools I chose initially
not good enough for Harvard or Yale
but good enough to get into any school in the country outside of Ivy League
so, that's nice. I know if I want to throw my mommy side out the window
we could pick up and go anywhere
and I could go to school

But, I know my own score too
I know first I am a Mom
and everything else comes later
and I know I will never regret the choices I have made or am making right now

Still Moving Forward

I live on the water now
a river

the view from the windows on the first floor
is amazing
because it appears we are dangling over the river
our backyard is wild
trees, flowers,all down a steep hill straight to the river's edge
at night
when there are few cars on the road
I hear the river crashing over the dam
it is a soft noise from my location
like a TV on a snow fuzzy channel, volume set very quiet


I have a screened in porch that overlooks the river
and I spend my mornings drinking coffee there
it is peaceful and lovely
and it makes me happy
the family of feral cats hiding out on the hill
are my own silent hunters
keeping the mice and snakes
that the stunning landscape would surely bring
away

note to animal lovers: we are doing a capture and release with the cats
they will be examined, given shots and fixed
if they are not totally feral they will be put up for adoption
if they are feral and unable to be around humans they will be tagged
and released back here
unable to reproduce
and with shots so they don't get sick
Aaron and I are going to buy a dogloo and put hay in it
for the subzero winter nights
and we will make sure they have food when the mice and the snakes are not so easily hunted
if you ever find a colony of feral cats you should check to see if your humane society has a similar program

That said
life here in the new house seems to be moving forward
I am in wait for my LSAT scores
and Aaron seems to be on the same page about my going to law school
I am also still working on being healthy
eating healthy
working out
I have to be careful because of my fast metabolism
I lost an unhealthy amount of weight in one week
without trying to actually lose weight
so
I have to figure out some sort of balance on that aspect of things

And so basically I am here
on the same page as Aaron
hunkering down
saving money
working
moving forward while still in the same place
and getting ready for a new phase in life
as it seems
this particular phase that I've been living is over
well
about to be over
and because it is about to be over
I am at peace
leaving bad stuff behind
and looking forward to the future

Improvement

I go through phases
I think you can all tell
I get on kicks
then I give them up
I try to eat a certain way
or do certain things to improve my life
and then I get lazy and go back to the same
It kind of stinks
The only real goal I've ever met was finishing school
but I kind of did that half way too
because in order to actually use my undergrad degree in any meaningful way
I need to go back to school

Thus, last January
I finally got the guts and paid to take my LSAT
and rather than change the date or put it off
I took it this Sept
it felt really good
1 goal down
took the LSAT and am completely determined to go to Law School
it is the right time
and I need to do it

Another flimsy goal I have always had was staying in physical shape
now, I will be the first to admit for my age and having two children I am very slim
it comes naturally to me
however I am what you might call a fat skinny girl
meaning I might not weight a lot
and I might not wear a very large size
but my body is flab
it never used to be that way
I have always been naturally slim and lean
so this sloppy, flabby, yuck-fest is getting depressing
And, please, this is not a cry for comments like
"Oh you're so skinny."
Or any sort of compliment
this is me being honest

I know I don't weigh a lot
I know I am not a big girl
but
I know I can be in better shape than I am
and that is my goal
one thing I am doing is logging everything I do at this website
It is a free site that helps me set goals and keep track of how
on or off track I am
the short amount of time I have been doing it is giving me a lot of insight
I don't get any calories from healthy foods!!!! Seriously
It's bad
Aaron has always told me I should weigh 400Lbs with the way I eat
and he's right
so, I have a high metabolism
that's good
now if I can eat enough of the healthy stuff
it would be better
I cannot describe to you the effort it is going to take
to substitute the calories achieved on a high fat fried food diet
with lean, healthy, leafy type foods

I also have the issue that I am so out of shape I can only work out
hard
for about 10 minutes without
being totally out of breath
sweaty
and beat

I feel like Homer Simpson

So, I am reading a girl I've been reading for years
she is kind of the coolest workout chick ever
1. When she decides to train she goes full blast and rocks it out
2. She writes about it beautifully
3. She has all the style and amazing-ness that I wish I could have but don't because of two kids, Midwest living, being broke...blah, blah, blah. She's got style

So, I go to her to hero worship and to find in me
the girl that rocks it out, hardcore

Aside from focusing on my goal of law school
I am also focusing on over health and fitness
I want to be a-flipping-mazing next summer
I won't but I want to be able to wear those yucky booty shorts next summer if I want
without looking gross

I have
since the age of 20
when I got pregnant with B
put myself behind my boys
and while it is a good thing
and my boys are happy
healthy
smart
and wonderful
I need to care for me too
and I am starting
it is weird for me to focus on me a little
but it is also nice

hopefully I am successful